Many fears jump out at parents throughout the various ages and stages of our children’s lives. Parents of young children may worry about everything from, “Is my child healthy?” to “Is my child reaching each milestone?” When our young children develop and thrive into preteens who are becoming more and more independent, our fears shift. We focus less on things like, “How much sleep are they getting per night?” and focus more on things like, “Is my child safe to stay home alone for a few hours?” Eventually, as our preteens become teenagers with a license to drive, our fears shift again. We are now wondering if we taught them enough to be successful and as independent as they are becoming and worried about outside influences that we really have zero control over.
Throughout all of these stages of parenting and shifts in fears, we can choose to participate in Trustful Parenting or Fear-based Parenting. When we focus our parenting with a Fear-Based approach, our children lose out on a lot of wonderful and important life lessons. Fear-Based Parenting can come in many forms, such as Helicopter Parenting (hovering and overly protective), Snowplow Parenting (smashing down all obstacles for the child), and Tiger Parenting (focusing on winning/excelling at all costs and afraid of failure). By not allowing our children the opportunity to fail, we also deny them the opportunity to build resilience, problem solve, and gain a sense of confidence in their own abilities. When we don’t trust our children, we send the message that they cannot trust themselves.
As our children grow and become increasingly independent it is important that they not only have the skills to problem solve their way out of situations, but also the self- confidence to trust themselves and their decision-making abilities. Trustful Parenting was the universal style of parenting in hunter-gatherer cultures and is the most natural in human development. Trustful parents are not irrationally afraid of their children’s lives and believe in their children’s capacities to navigate challenges. In younger years, this may look like observing a toddler trying to do a puzzle and watching them struggle to figure it out, as opposed to rushing in to help put the puzzle piece in the appropriate place. For a preteen, this may look like allowing them to stay home for a few minutes alone while you run to the neighbor’s house or having them directly discuss their educational challenges with their teacher to get more support in school, as opposed to you speaking for them. In the adolescent years, this may look like allowing them to have a part time job that they interview for on their own instead of having a family member hire them to help.
It might look like trusting them to follow the rules of the road before automatically assuming that they won’t or giving them the opportunity to help set rules that they agree to adhere to (ie: curfew) so that they feel a sense of ownership over the behavior that is expected of them. Overall, we need to do our best as parents to focus on our children’s strengths and trust that they are capable beings that need our guidance. They don’t need our own fears getting in the way of their opportunities for growth.
