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What Does “Fighting Fair” Mean in a Relationship?

The words “fighting” and “fair” do not compute together for me because I grew up in the streets where we fight to win, and winning a street fight sometimes requires unfairly breaking some rules.When I think of fighting, the first thing that comes to mind is to win at all costs or to win the fight by any means necessary. However, I have learned that winning a fight in a relationship by any means necessary could actually cost you the person you love. As in professional boxing, you can be winning the fight by points and still end up losing by being knocked out or by getting disqualified for breaking the rules. It is important to remember in relationships you can win a fight and lose someone you care about at the same time. I just attended the Nevada Boxing Hall of Fame (NVBHOF) Induction Ceremony where I was in the presence of some of the greatest professional prize fighters in history. Being around these great athletes really made me think about fighting in relationships in a different way. The NBHOF had several different events during the weekend that allowed me to interact with Amateur and Championship fighters. Some of the things that separated the Champs from the Amateurs was their knowledge of self, experience, understanding their opponent, and knowing the rules of boxing.

From talking with the Champs and some trainers, it’s clear to see that the fighters have perfected their skills and know themselves inside and out. Over the years of training and fighting, they know what works and what does not work in the ring. The fighters were able to fight fair because they knew themselves. They knew their skill level; they knew their own strengths and weaknesses. Knowledge of self and is one of the main factors that gave the fighters confidence to step into the ring with their opponents. Likewise, in order to fight fair in a relationship, it is also important to know yourself. It’s important to take stock of your own strengths and weaknesses.

Another very important factor for the Champs was the pre-fight preparation and discipline required before the fight. These fighters didn’t just win because they were always better or more talented than their opponent. Most of the time, they were victorious because they prepared for the fight. They had trained specifically for their opponent. This is something that I am working on myself –being prepared on how to fairly engage in a disagreement before an argument or misunderstanding occurs. It’s important to have a game plan and a strategy going into the fight. My wife has been on me lately to do just that by creating a game plan with an escape route. She says that fire drills are to prepare for the fire so that you know what to do when things start getting heated. Trying to figure out the best way to move in the middle of the fire, while emotions are heightened and defenses are up, can prove to be fatal for a relationship. I can definitely see the importance of having a “fair fighting” plan. Interestingly enough, it seems like everytime we set a topic for our monthly StrongHome magazines, Melissa and I are both immediately tested with the topic in our own relationship. Although it provides for very authentic content, it also challenges me in ways that I have not been before, and fighting fair is definitely one of those challenges in which I am striving to personally be victorious.

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