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LUV and BLUVD

I love taking the time to reflect on past experiences. And while I am careful not to rest in the dangerous forest of dark memories for too long, it is always an exciting journey through time when I am reminded of what God brought me out of and into. Just a little over four years ago, I was in what I assumed would be the most desolate and difficult place of my life. I was going through a divorce and struggling to maintain my own mental health.

I had never felt so worthless, so devalued, and so unloved in my entire existence. But the worst part was that I did not only feel unloved; I felt unworthy of ever receiving genuine love, which left me feeling lonely and hopeless.

My former marriage was one that lacked peace on all sides. It was contentious, unhealthy, and degrading to both parties (not the ideal relationship to want to hold on to or even fight for). Yet it was all I knew, and I had learned to adapt to the dysfunctions, and I irrationally accepted them. I was devastated that I had failed to maintain the unity of marriage that God had created, and I genuinely believed that God was going to punish me with a long road of loneliness, isolation, and sadness until I was worthy of his blessings again.

Four months later, I opened a door, and in walked the man of my dreams—literally! It was at a business meeting with one of my clients, and Jeff was one of the new investors on the project. Two days later, we were at a brunch meeting together. One month later, he proposed (I said “maybe”). Three months later, we had matching tattoos. One month after that, I proposed (he said “yes”), and in 2020, we were married on top of a mountain in the middle of a pandemic.

It has been almost two years of blissful unity between the two of us, and I cannot believe the hand of God! Our story was not nearly as seamless as I just made it sound. I stood in my own way dozens of times—overthinking, overreacting, and over dramatizing a whole lot. Logically, remarrying just seemed waaaay too soon. I introduced Jeff to everyone in my life at the time. I wanted to have accountability, and I submitted myself to their thoughts and advice because I felt I could not trust myself in such a vulnerable and emotional state.

To my surprise, not one person discouraged me from moving forward in pursuing a relationship with Jeff, yet I still found reasons to talk myself out of it and to self-sabotage. Was this just rebound love? How could I possibly know who this man really is in such a short period of time? I spent 20 years with a man and still couldn’t claim to know him, so how can I trust this man whom I just met. Is this really what God has for me, and is this really a relationship that God wants me to pursue?

How would I know unless I asked? So I did. I asked God fervently—over and over and over again. And one day, Jeff was sitting across from me in a second floor office, and he looked at me and said, “I already asked God if I could marry you, and He confirmed it to me.” He jokingly followed up with a simple question “What do you need, Melissa?” Do you need to see a red balloon for confirmation?” I kid you not! Just as he finished his sentence, a red balloon flew behind his head and got stuck on the ceiling. It seemed random but necessary.

Every time I began to doubt myself or my ability to be loved or began to question whether or not Jeff and I should partner together in marriage, and every time I felt unworthy or devalued or discouraged by memories of a previously failed marriage, I would ask God again if partnering with Jeff was what I was supposed to be doing.

Each time, I would see a red balloon in the most random of places, confirming my steps towards Jeff. It was my fleece—my sign from God to reassure me that it was okay to be loved.

It was okay for me to receive genuine love. I may not have felt like I deserved it because of all of the mistakes I had made in my past or because of the failures that I had experienced, but I was still lovable, and that red balloon gave me permission to BE LOVED. I even chose to walk down the aisle at my wedding clutching the string to a red balloon in place of traditional bouquet of flowers, and at the end of the wedding, our guests released red balloons from the top of a Malibu mountain as we sang the song by Maroon 5, “She Will Be Loved,” symbolizing the freedom of loving and accepting love in our new chapter of life.

I have never felt so loved by any human being on this earth the way that I feel loved and accepted and cherished by my husband. God has extended his love, passion, and adoration for me through the arms, hands, heart of Jeff, and I am so thankful that I chose to allow myself to walk by faith and follow the steps that were already ordered for me.

Whatever has hindered you from allowing yourself the permission to be loved, may THIS be your red balloon—your sign that you are worthy of true love. No matter what you may have experienced, no matter what horrible decisions you have made, no matter how many mistakes you can count, no matter what other people have told you or called you or what they think or have thought of you … you are still lovable. Do not accept the lies that tell you otherwise. You now have the permission to love and be loved—freely and without conditions or restraints. Accept that today!

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