It is common to wonder what love actually is. As we go through various stages in life, I believe our definition of love evolves. Every person gives, receives, and interprets love differently, and after reviewing Gary Chapman’s concepts of The Five Love Languages, I realized that my love language has always alternated between quality time, affection, and affirmation from the people whose attention and opinions I valued the most. Although I have fluctuated in my ideas of what love is over the years, one thing has always remained consistent: I have always been on a quest to seek out, give out, and live out love!
I have always had a frame of reference of what love is. As a child, love was one thing that I was never deprived of. In my early years, love to me meant curling up next to my mom as she read Bible stories before bedtime, or sneaking into my parents room at night and snuggling with my dad. It was fighting with my sisters, but then making each other laugh until we cried. Love, as a child, to me was having a place of security –a place of belonging.
In high school, love transitioned a bit from wanting a place to belong with my family, to seeking attention and acceptance from everyone around me. Whether it was the popular girls at school, the basketball players, or the honor students, I wanted to be admired by everyone. Love, during my high school years, translated through being noticed by my crush, being walked to class by a cute boy, or friends accepting my super bowl party invitation and them actually showing up. Love, as a high school student, was being noticed and accepted by my friends and others around me.
As a young adult, just receiving love through affection or acceptance was not nearly as satisfying any longer. It was when I became a preschool teacher that I soon realized that there was another level of love that was more rewarding: Giving love to others rather than just receiving it for myself. I realized that the more that I personally gave attention, love, and affection, the more I got it back. During my young adult years, love was the hugs I received from my students in the morning. It was the reward of seeing the results of being a part of the student’s development and growth. Love was hearing the affirming words from my students when they would tell me “I love you Ms. Kristina,” or “you’re the best teacher ever”.It later also became the attention that I received from the parents of those students who often acknowledged the important role that I played in the lives of their children. Knowing that I made a difference in the lives of those little ones by giving them my time, love, and affection gave me meaning and made me feel love on a whole different level.
As time went on, the sense of meaning that I received from my classroom and role as a teacher flowed into all aspects of my life as I began to give more to those around me. Helping people and loving on them gradually turned into this absurd condition where I thought I could save people from their struggles. I mistakenly believed that the people I loved would be set free and be healed if I just gave a little more and loved a little harder. I took on the personal responsibility to try to heal people with my love. It was no longer about me receiving love back from anyone. In fact, I began settling for fragments of attention and fractions of affection to where I was completely depleted at times, but still giving in hopes to still heal. I poured so much of my resources and myself into others that it became an unhealthy addiction; one that took a horrifically traumatic experience to break me from. In 2017 my boyfriend at the time, who I was attempting to help rehab, had unintentionally overdosed and died on Christmas Eve. It was an event that has changed my entire life and perspective.
Through lots of introspection and inner healing over the last several years, I have learned that love is not a magic healing potion that you can use to change people or free them. Love is simply lighting a match in the midst of people’s darkness and showing them the way out. They have to choose to follow on their own to freedom. Love to me now is boldly receiving and giving in a healthy way that is obvious, yet reciprocated. I now understand that love is connecting to a power source that will continue to supply me with the necessary power to encourage, support, and uplift others as I continue to help charge them along the way without completely depleting myself in the process. Part of understanding love is understanding where to prioritize it. I created a clothing line through my company with affirmations written backwards to remind myself when I look in the mirror of who I am. I AM LOVED! Loving myself first is not selfish at all. It is the only way that I am able to effectively give love to others around me. Understanding myself, understanding my self-worth, and valuing that above anything else is the epitome of love, and with that understanding, I am able to recognize the blessings that I have to give to others. I am able to realize that I actually am the blessing that I have to give others.
(Visit www.instagram.com/kaekreatives to purchase Mirrored Affirmations.)