Ok, so let me tell you about these Check-Ins (see page 3 for reference) I sincerely thought I was a great communicator until I had to do it on someone else’s terms. Our weekly Check-Ins are much needed, but I quickly realized that most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m feeling or what I need, and because I have not learned or been taught to actually deal with my own feelings and emotions, I admittedly have a challenging time effectively communicating them. Not knowing what I need makes it easy for me to focus on my wife’s behavior and point the finger at her, this is what she loves to call “deflection”. This factor often leads me to reevaluate what is necessary to have good communication in a relationship. I understand that communication comes in many forms and there are different ways to convey a message. Good communication requires sending and receiving a message. So I started to take some time to do an introspective look to see how I personally like to receive messages and what my style is of sending them. That gave me a base to then be able to let my wife know that information. I have learned that it is vital that each person takes some time to understand themselves first, so they can help their partner communicate with them better. I thought I was a pretty good communicator, but let my wife tell it, I often don’t communicate at all. I guess she would know a lot about communicating; she graduated with an English degree, taught English for seven years, and I’m sure she uses 25% more words than the average person.
To say I’m at a disadvantage is an understatement. Recently, we have been going back and forth about how she would like me to communicate more. I am more open to communicate now than ever before, so I thought I was doing good, but when we did our newly instituted weekly Check-In last week, I realized I was not as prepared as I had thought. A few days prior, my wife had sent me a long email expressing her feelings on a particular occurrence. Men, this is her equivalent to the dreadful phrase, “we have to talk”. In the past, I would skim through her email, plan to read it in its entirety later, and then totally forget about it, leaving my wife upset and feeling like her thoughts don’t matter. This time though, I had read it and replied saying that I would respond later. I had thought about my response for a few days and planned to do so. But, did I actually make time to respond? Nope! Three days later, I found myself in the middle of a “Check-In” focused on communication, which I had not yet done effectively. This last incident led me to do some research on the topic.
I found that It seems that a lot of women are frustrated and can’t understand why men don’t communicate like women do. Well, men don’t communicate like women because we’re men, period. It is unrealistic for women to expect men to communicate like them. Men tend to lean more towards facts over emotions and vice versa. Most men like to solve problems, and emotions can get in the way of that. This gives an advantage to women because the separation of emotions affects how men recall events. Attaching emotions to an event makes it more memorable. This already puts men at a disadvantage when in a disagreement with a woman because most women attach emotions and use their senses, so they will remember everything; what we said, what cologne we wore, the date, the time, etc. Emotions make impressions and stick in their mind. On the other hand, I can barely recall enough of the incident to have an educated conversation about the topic. I recognize now that I have to work at making it a priority to be present and pay more attention when I’m having a discussion with my wife. I, like most men, genuinely want to please my woman, but it doesn’t mean much if I’m not willing to work to communicate about topics that matter to her. Listen fellas, I’m not going to lie to you, these Check-Ins are hard, but they are needed and worth it. My wife and I are stronger every week, even when it feels like we are distant. Just showing up each week means we are growing and fighting harder to be better. Stick with it, and show up! It will get better. The longevity of your relationship is worth that one moment of discomfort.
