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Conflict Resolution

Do you ever feel like you are having the same argument over and over again? Maybe it’s the constant struggle with your teenager to clean his room. Maybe it’s the consistent fight with your spouse over who will do the dishes or how to spend your money. Maybe it’s the incessant battle with your friends over their unsolicited opinion. If issues like these are not fully resolved, then they will almost inevitably continue to recycle until all parties feel and believe that the conflicting topic is fairly put to rest. But what happens if those conflicts are not fully resolved and end up dragging on for months—even years? How much damage does unresolved conflict cause to the relationship, and is it possible to reverse that damage before the destruction is terminal?
Effective communication in relationships can be challenging, especially when someone feels like they are not being heard. How we communicate about those various conflicts defines the actual relationship. Frequently criticizing, disrespecting, avoiding, or being defensive can lead to a shutdown in communication and may breed contempt and an unwillingness to progress in the relationship. This is when the alarm goes off to warn of the approach of the point of no return. This is a reference to the point where one person in the relationship grows so weary, angry, or frustrated that they choose to give up on caring about the topic (and sometimes the other person altogether). How can we avoid such a catastrophe?

Defining the Issue:

First, determine why this specific topic matters to you so much in the first place. If you sit still for a moment to understand your own internal perspective, this will help with the overall desired outcome. For example, arguing with your spouse over who should do the dishes is less likely about not wanting to get your hands dirty and possibly more about wanting your spouse to consider your feelings after you’ve spent three hours cooking dinner for the whole family. Sharing your heart in a respectful way will help your spouse understand that you are physically exhausted and maybe even lacking in emotional attention. This is a better way to communicate your frustration. This method, however, requires the willingness of humility and vulnerability, and that is where the pre-work comes in before the actual conversation even begins. Understanding the root of your personal frustration and being able to effectively communicate your desired outcome, and the reason for that desired outcome, is imperative to achieving those desired results.
Remember, the person with whom you are bickering is probably the person with whom you spend the most of your time. This means that you run a higher risk of misunderstandings and disagreements, so be mindful of your own needs and desires, and do your best to sincerely understand those of others. Authentic communication in a relationship implies complete trust between one another. It’s the ability to share one another’s true thoughts, feelings, and daily actions on both good and bad days.
But what if you do not trust that the other person will be open to receive that information without judgment?
This is the point where you must carve some time out of your schedule to chat together about setting some ground rules (ideally during a peaceful time when no arguments are in sight at that moment).

Effective Communication:

Before that sit-down, both of you should write down three of your biggest concerns or fears that may hinder you from wanting to share information. Skip several lines between each one. Below each of those concerns, write a solution that you believe would help you feel more comfortable communicating in those areas. Be sure that the solutions are attainable (as opposed to unrealistic expectations). Take turns sharing your sheet with each other using these three simple guidelines as you do:

Listen. Allow the person who is expressing their fears to share all three of their concerns and solutions without any interruptions (this includes eye rolling, deep breathing, swift hand movements, or any other triggers that may create a diversion). If the listener has any questions or remarks, he or she can jot them down on the back of their sheet, until it is their turn to speak.

Respect. If you are the speaker, share with respect and consideration for the other person. Try to avoid any negative language, personal jabs, or other possible triggers that could cause the listener to get defensive. This makes it harder for them to receive and genuinely understand what is being expressed.

Acknowledge. Once the speaker has shared all three concerns and solutions, the listener can now begin addressing them. Be careful to focus only on what the other person’s concerns and solutions were, until all of those topics have been addressed.
Note: Addressing those concerns entails verbally acknowledging those fears without judging or criticizing. Then affirm that those concerns are important. Addressing the solutions includes determining if they are possible to accomplish and attain. If not, then new or additional solutions should be suggested by both parties respectfully.
Once all concerns and solutions have been addressed for one sheet, the next person can share the other sheet, and the process can be repeated.
It is important to remember that the object of healthy communication and conflict is not to never disagree with the people you love. Rather, the goal is to effectively correspond with them in an environment of mutual understanding and respect. This will help you turn disagreements into areas that can strengthen your relationships, rather than destroy them. Doing this will drastically increase your intimacy and connection, and it will increasingly develop your ability to listen, understand, and be compassionate towards others around you.
The great news is that, whether you have admittedly never been good at expressing yourself or you had amazing parents who raised you to clearly express your emotions, there is always room to improve! You only need a willingness to try.

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