Last year, Jeff and I engaged in a thought-provoking conversation about the different permissions set by society on both men and women. That conversation eventually led to the development of our first StrongHome Network Magazine issue, which was focused on vulnerability. During that discussion, Jeff made an interesting observation that men have been repeatedly told not to “cry like a baby,” which is a serious trigger of frustration and defensiveness for most men. He suggested that, when a man allows himself to cry, he should not be compared to an infant simply because he chooses to express his emotions through tears.
While that sounded fair initially, I took some time to think about it and returned to him with an alternate perspective. Most of the time, that phrase is used in a derogatory way, thoughtlessly intended to jab the emotionally expressive man at that moment. However, I think that phrase has an underlying truth: infants cry to express themselves because they have not yet learned to talk. If an infant is hungry but doesn’t know how to communicate that feeling, it often defaults to crying. If a baby has a soiled diaper and cannot figure out how to get himself out of the “crap” that he has created for himself, then that frustration often leads to outbursts and screams. If a child is utterly exhausted and cannot go on without finding rest, then that child usually resorts to weeping and whining until it is comforted.
Maybe the idea of a man who finally chooses to allow himself to be vulnerable enough to cry in front of another person is not actually him being weak or less of a man at all. Maybe a weeping man is simply one who has not yet learned how to survey himself properly to determine the actual cause of the pain or frustration. Maybe he has yet to develop the ability to effectively express those details using the proper tools of communication.
What if we began to create safe environments for men to expressively share their hearts, minds, and feelings without yielding insults? We can start by choosing to put our own ego, pride, and feelings aside when we encounter a vulnerably expressive man. We can train ourselves to pay attention to what he may be actually trying to say. It’s important to understand he may not yet understand the root of the frustration, so the words he uses may not actually be the core frustration. This is where we can intervene with natural inclinations of comfort, understanding, teaching, and nurturing—similar to how mothers would nurture their children.
When a man cries, this “childlike” behavior may be an inadvertent cry for help in order to receive what they actually want and need. This is where we as women can access our ability to nurture the ones we love (as loving mothers tend to do). When my husband and I get into a disagreement and I grow frustrated with his form of communication (or lack of communication), my husband loves to remind me that not everyone has a degree in English or my experience in communication.
I think he’s really saying that he admires my ability to communicate and would like for me to be patient with him as he learns to improve his communication skills as well. It takes time and patience, but the great thing is that he is open to learning better ways to communicate and willing to fight through the discomfort of not knowing the best way to communicate in certain circumstances.
If you know me at all, then you are aware that I typically use more words than the average person to express any one particular topic (and I’ve been this way since childhood). Not too long ago, I realized though that just because I did lots of communicating, didn’t mean that I was effectively communicating. I started putting time into understanding myself, the end results that I wanted from specific situations, and why I wished to have those outcomes. I was able to work backwards to determine the best way to achieve that outcome through clear and considerate communication. Although I still have much to learn in the area of communication, I can still patiently help my husband express himself as he communicates with me. I am happy to share with him what I have learned and encourage him as he learns, as opposed to lording my lessons over him.
My husband has far surpassed me in growth and understanding in so many areas, and I have been blessed to be able to learn from those experiences. I am thankful that I am able to do the same for him in other areas. As iron sharpens iron, we sharpen each other to make ourselves more efficient in accomplishing our purpose and intended tasks. Communication is an area in which we both wish to be strong and are willing to push through the discomforts that may arise in conflicts, confrontations, and disagreements to become better at understanding ourselves and one another.
