In the day-to-day lives of parenting, it can be hard to feel like you’re truly connecting with your child. You rush in the morning to get yourself and your children ready, lunches packed, breakfast made, and head out the door for school drop off. You head to work and, after an exhausting day, come home to children who are also exhausted after their long day at school. You then rush to make dinner, help with homework, give baths, and go to bed. Just to repeat that cycle over and over again. Although we are asking about their days and doing bedtime routines, it can sometimes feel like we aren’t truly connecting with our children in the way that both we all truly desire. So, what should we do?
The answer is to really stop and be present in the little moments we get each day. By building habits of connection that we practice daily, we can give our children the gift of our presence. A family therapist, Virginia Satir, famously said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Make it a goal to snuggle or hug your child first thing in the morning, when you say good-bye, and any time in between that you can.
Making eye contact and smiling is also a form of connectivity without physically touching. Pat their backs, rub their shoulders, tousle their hair, and hold their hands. Just being aware of these small moments of physically connecting with your children deepens your connection. If you have a teen who pushes you away, do not feel guilty. Older children just need to be eased into connection more than toddlers who offer extra hugs free of charge. Offer to paint your daughter’s nails or curl her hair. Go on a hike with your son or play a game he enjoys together. These moments can naturally lead into more hugs and encourage conversation.
It is important that we practice active listening with our children. Instead of going through the mail as we ask about their day or checking our emails at breakfast, we should stop, make eye contact, and practice engaging them in conversation. Simply turning off your phone will show your children that what they have to say is more important than any notification you may receive. Have you ever gone to brunch with someone who wouldn’t stop checking the phone? It’s awful. You don’t feel your time or company is being valued.
It’s important not to let our children feel undervalued or less important than our cell phones. When you ask your children questions, and follow up with more questions based on what they are telling you, your children will feel like you are truly hearing them. This will lead to deeper connections. Most importantly, show up 100% for your children during your interactions. Being present means being in the “right here, right now,” and letting everything else wait. This is not easy, but the more you practice it, the easier it will become. When it comes to our children, “The days are long, but the years are short.” This rings true always, and with the end of yet another year on the horizon, it only makes it more real. The more you make being present with your children a daily habit, the more moments you’ll create together.