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The Art of Patient Parenting

I’ve been acting professionally since 1985, and I’ve been in major big screen hits such as the Hangover, Pineapple Express, Transformers IV, Dream Girls, Grey’s Anatomy, and currently 911: Lonestar, as well as several voice overs for cartoon characters. I’ve worked with some of the most talented and infamous actors such as Jamie Foxx, Beyoncé, Mark Wahlberg, Will Smith, Jennifer Hudson, Eddie Murphy, and yet the most rewarding role I have ever played was that of a mother to our son, Titus, who happens to be adopted. Titus came to us at four years old, and he had already been through three different foster homes. That meant that he had three different sets of house rules that he was raised to follow and now he was being forced to follow a fourth set of house rules that he was not a custom to yet.
He had no boundaries, and he was used to getting away with and getting attention for doing things that were not acceptable. Some of the most challenging things that we faced at the beginning stages of parenting an adopted child was realizing that he wasn’t as immediately submissive and obedient as we were towards our parents when we were growing up. When my parents told me to do something, I just did it. However, raising my son, I realized I would have to find creative ways to get him to comply with my rules and requests.
I remember one time I had to wake him up for school, and I told him to please get out of bed and take a bath to get ready for school. He balled up both fists and punched them to the ground and told me “you want me to go to school every single day, and it’s too much. I will not go! Today I’m not going!” I remember repeating myself very calmly, telling him once again; it’s time for him to take off his “pajanos” (which is what he used to call his pajamas) and get in the bath to get ready for school, and once again he told me “no”. So, I walked to the bathroom, as he followed me, still sticking to his little rant. I ran the water, and once the water was where I needed it to be, I picked him up, and I put him in the tub and washed both him and his “pajanos” because that little boy was going to learn obedience. He did not like that one bit. He hated his pajanos getting wet, but we never had that issue again. Anytime he would act out, I would just hold him really tightly and wouldn’t let him go. He would eventually get tired, and sometimes, he would literally fall asleep on me because he was so exhausted from struggling. I was determined to let him know that he was going to get nothing but love every time he acted out and that was the attention I was going to give him.
When he went into middle school, my level of patience had to change because the challenges that he faced in middle school required a different type of attention from me. In middle school, the challenge became hormones and trying to understand friends and girls, so I had to spend more time explaining things to him and helping him navigate through those adolescent years. Now with him about to propel into high school, I find that one of the most frustrating areas that tests my patience is getting him off of technology and helping him become more social. The pandemic has really put a damper on lots of kids’ desires to socially interact. Everything is on video games, social media, and through technology. I now find myself having to exercise an extensive level of patience with him when it comes to luring him away from technology because it’s now requiring me to be an even more active parent as I have to get more creative and be more attentive so that he has other options outside of video games.
The two of us now go swimming together and walking together. We spend time talking and learning music together in order to find other alternatives from technology. It’s been good for us because it has strengthened our relationship, but it also requires a lot more from me as his mother. I am in love with our little family, and even though our son does not have his parents together, he still feels nothing but love from the both of us. So much so, he actually thinks it’s weird that we get along so well, eat dinner together at least twice a week, and still do sleep overs. It’s really important that he feels a strong family unit because our love for him is unconditional, and we have always told him that since the day that we brought him home.
I can honestly say that what has affected our son in the most positive way is that he has always known that we love him unconditionally, no matter how he acted, no matter how much he acted out or what he tried to do to see if we would still love him. He got nothing but love back from us. Sometimes, before he would go to sleep, he would ask us to tell him again what we say to him about love because he needed to hear it over and over, until he believed it. I think we did a pretty good job because he definitely is confident in our love for him now.
I believe our love has sincerely changed him to be the confident, fun loving, better-behaved young man that he has become. I’m so proud of him, but I have to say that I’m also really proud of us because we have learned to consistently implement patience, which has allowed us to give him the opportunity to let our love affect him in a positive way. It’s hard; it’s not easy. I have to let go of a lot of things that are not worth holding on to. I have to keep reminding myself to stay in a present state of gratitude sometimes. I tell myself and my son that we’re either going to be a part of the solution, or we are going to be a part of the problem, and I live every day to try to be a part of the solution. That allows me to live in the moment and appreciate every blessing that I have, including the blessing of my son.

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