They say that patience is a virtue; I assume that is because of how difficult it is to attain. During this season of my life, God has been teaching me the vitality of patience and how to partner it with faith. Lately, I found myself growing increasingly frustrated with the ability to communicate with Jeff. As with any new relationship, more of who we are and how we choose to deal with situations are revealed as new experiences and life occurrences arise. Each time a new circumstance would be presented in our marriage that required serious attention, it seemed to be a constant uphill battle to cordially discuss it and devise a resolution.
Jeff and I tend to communicate very differently; I tend to immediately address the issue at hand by using a whole lot of descriptive words for an extensive period of time with the intent to ensure clear communication of my perspective, thoughts, and feelings. Jeff tends to retreat to his own head in silence to survey the situation, organize his thoughts, reason within himself, and then return to the conversation with a simple reply to address the issue. Sometimes, his process can take longer than others, and his “return to the conversation” does not happen for days. Being that I have a tendency to be more anxious and less patient than he, that lingering waiting period can be gruesome for me, adding more frustration to an already heightened conversation.
In a more recent occurrence, I found myself spending ample amounts of time trying to explain my thoughts and feelings on a specific topic where we were not seeing eye-to-eye. I tried every avenue possible to try to get him to see things my way and to help us get on the same page in that area, all to what seemed to be no avail. By the end of our conversations, we both would be worn down –physically fatigued from lacking sleep, emotionally drained, frustrated, and sometimes even bitter and angry. After weeks of the same cycle, I had depleted all of my energy and exhausted all of my solutions, and I ran to the Lord in prayer even more desperate for a divine intervention in my relationship and in communication with my husband.
To my horror, God dropped an undesirable solution in my spirit – one that would require me to do something almost impossible and incredibly painful for me on my end. He was prompting me to shut up! Keep my mouth completely shut and operate in silence around my husband. To be VERY clear here, I am not talking about the silent treatment; you know, the one where you walk around purposefully not speaking to your husband and slamming things around while rolling your eyeballs in order to make it obvious that you are angry, but not speaking. He prompted me to visit 1 Peter 3 in the Bible where He suggests that when the husband seems to not be obedient to what is right, the wife is to “win him over without saying a word”. As if commanding silence was not gruesome enough, it goes deeper to say that he will get in alignment, not by the wife’s nagging words, but rather her a gentle spirit while doing godly actions. That part right there!!!! Not only was I being commanded to shut my mouth, but I was also instructed to do so while also being kind, gentle hearted, helpful, and loving to my husband –all while still being upset myself.
So, how the heck was I supposed to do this in the right heart as I was being called to do? First, I knew I needed to align my own heart with God. I needed to soften my stance and my heart towards God and in turn, it would soften towards my husband. I created a playlist of powerful, soothing worship music that connected me back to God, and I played those songs repeatedly throughout the day. Sometimes, when I felt my emotions heightening, I would pop in one ear pod, and press play until my soul was soothed and my anger subsided. I began to study the word more on topics relating to the issue that we were struggling to overcome, and then I would pray fervently in alignment with the Word and will of God. I also connected with a few trusted, Godly women who could pray with me, encourage me, and hold me accountable to God’s Word, without judging me or my husband or holding grudges. I would try to only speak when prompted, and ensure that my responses to my husband were soft and gentle to the best of my ability.
For weeks I would do this, and it seemed like an excruciating lifetime. It constantly challenged my ability to be patient and trust in God. However, God would give me brief glimpses into the work that He was individually doing on the heart of my husband, as I prayed and operated in silence out of obedience. Although Jeff didn’t validate my advice or suggestions much to me aloud, every so often, I would overhear him share a piece of advice with someone else that reflected advice I would give him or words I would say that I thought he was not listening to. I would watch his behavior change as mine changed out of obedience. As I continued to exercise patience, that muscle grew visibly stronger.
God showed me daily how more effective my prayers were over the words I would say in my own strength. It actually started to become comical to be honest. I would often run to the bathroom in an attempt to withhold my anger from being visible to my husband and pray and worship in there until my heart was softened again. Sometimes, my showers would last over an hour because I refused to come out until I was in alignment with God and strengthened in the Lord. I kid you not; I would come out of that bathroom and Jeff would almost immediately address the exact things I prayed for in silence, and it would bring a level of peace that did not exist before. Over and over again, I would see God moving in the heart of my husband as I operated out of obedience to that scripture.
Sometimes we may not experience the immediate gratification of our expression of words or even of our deliberate prayers, but God is faithful to fulfill His promises as we determine to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and obedient to follow His Word.