I was one of those kids that was not only exposed to grown up situations at a young age, but also immersed in them. I had a front row seat to witnessing the actions, reactions, and consequences that came from circumstantial decisions made by the adults around me. Some of the greatest and longest-lasting results were made by wise, sacrificial decisions on the part of the authoritative figures in my life, such as the commitment to faithfully attend church and actively pursue a relationship with God, which resulted in a lifetime pursuit of righteousness, even in weaknesses and failures.
Other more selfish and risky decisions, unfortunately, resulted in emotional hurt, physical pain, and ultimate loss, such as those stemming from deception, dishonesty, and infidelity. I never quite understood why such big risks were taken, utilizing such poor judgment, when so much was at stake. Were the temporary pleasures, fleeting moments, or personal satisfactions worth inflicting so much potential pain on those who should matter the most or worth losing the work that was hard earned and truly desired? The truth is that I never found the answer to that question in my youth. That answer was only discovered in my adult life, when I began mimicking the actions that I saw in my adolescence and astonishingly reaping the consequences.
As a child and teenager, I only saw the decisions made; I was too young to understand the results of those actions, and sometimes, the consequences and results didn’t even play out until years after I was well into my adulthood. I didn’t realize as a child that making impulsive decisions based on emotions could result in physical altercations landing you in prison, or that having only friends of the opposite sex and not setting boundaries could result in divorce. I didn’t know that immediately defaulting to blame could deflect taking responsibility and result in hindered or stunted growth, or that internally lacking satisfaction and happiness could cause someone to covet and desire what does not belong to them, leading them to take severely inappropriate actions that crucially dim their integrity, nor did I realize how much kids see, absorb, take in, remember, and then imitate –repeating patterns, cycles, and habits.
After police encounters, severed friendships, questioned integrity, and a disappointing divorce of my own, I realized that the answer to that one childhood inquiry was “absolutely not!” Those momentary experiences were not and are not worth the risk of my personal integrity and progression of my overall purpose. The truth is that, at my core, I always knew what was right and could sense and feel what was wrong, even when I didn’t understand why. So, why did I choose to make risky decisions and compromise my own integrity for momentary satisfaction, or even for what I thought could bring me long-term satisfaction? Simply because my own personal will and desires were stronger, more important, and more prevalent than the well-being of anyone else at the time, and my will and desires were not submitted to the will and desires that I knew that God had for me.
Ultimately, I was afraid of possibly not experiencing ultimate satisfaction, success, and happiness, and I did not trust God with my heart or with my future. I was fearful of submitting what I wanted and trading it in for what God desired and had for me. I did not believe that He could or would bring me the satisfaction I wanted or the fulfillment that I needed, and I believed that I could find a way to ensure that I could attain that gratification for myself by whatever means necessary. The person that I became in that process of attempting self-gratifying attainment was ugly and wretched but was concealed by the “nice things” that I tended to do for others simultaneously. To my shame, I became exactly what I once judged and despised in my own pursuit of happiness, carelessly reaping havoc on those around me.
Recently the principle of sowing and reaping visited my own home; some have named her karma, others identify it as “coincidence”, but for me, I saw God in the entire process, trailblazing with me through the path to bring others to freedom. It was in the moments of my most heightened emotions, my anger, frustration, and hate that He taught me the importance of submitting my own will, of what I wanted to do, had the right to do, and the resources to do, to God and ultimately allowing Him to order and guide my steps. This required one of the most difficult forms of torture for me…silence! For many months I had to exercise silence. Silence to be able to hear from God as He directed my steps and how to move. Silence to be able to calm my unruly mind and heart in the midst of chaos as situations escalated. Silence to halt my impulsivity stemming from anger and hurt. Silence to hold my tongue when I wanted to use it to cut with my words. It was in that silence that the Lord showed me that more glory could go to Him and more positive change can come from where grace abounds. There was only one problem; I had no grace to give, only wrath and judgment.
This, I know, was very disheartening in the sight of God (see Matthew 18:21-35 in the Bible for a VERY scary lesson on the importance of extending grace). Until a very dear friend continuously slapped me with the very same “Word of God” that I say I believe and reminded me that “to whom much is given, much is required”, and I was given MUCH grace in my past actions of dishonor; and therefore, am required to distribute that same grace accordingly. After months of a level of silence that I have never achieved before in my life, an excessive amount of prayer asking God to give me a love for those whose actions were disrespectful, evil, selfish, and unrighteous, and pleading with him to help me walk in both love and grace when dealing with such people, God answered my prayers and granted me the opportunity to operate in the authoritative position that I am given in my home and my position in Christ.
In that moment, anger subsided, peace covered me, and truth prevailed. I felt bondages break and generational chains release me to freedom. It paved the way to freedom, not only for myself, but for the generations ahead of me. The fate that tried to follow me from my past into my future had to submit to the power that came from submitting my own will to God and desiring His. True freedom will come to you. Consistent success will follow you. Permanent satisfaction will fill you. Genuine happiness will be yours, but ONLY when you choose to submit your own will and desires to God, and authentically want what HE wants and has for YOU –believing that what He has for you and wants for you is truly THE BEST for you.
