We are just starting to recover from the production of our Thanksgiving feast, which included two months of décor planning, two days of menu planning, one week of food shopping, three days of cooking and baking, three hours of set up, two hours of breakdown and clean up, and only about 45 minutes of eating and actual quality time with the family. While everything was beautiful, and while it was wonderful to have dinner with those we love most, it seemed as though the “-itis” took over as soon as we all wiped our plates clean. We all got ready for bed and individually retreated to separate rooms to then knock out until the next morning.
This leaves me wondering if any other households experience this same one-night-stand feeling of giving everything you’ve got for only one evening of pleasure, complete with the morning-after-walk-of-shame to the bedroom from the living room where you fell asleep in your dinner clothes and full face of make-up, bloated and still stuffed from the night before. I briefly spoke to my dad the next day, and he reminded me of how our holidays used to be: focused on family and quality time. We never had one decoration that I can remember at Thanksgiving, and with the exception of my Grammy’s crispy cheddar mac-n-cheese and my Mommy’s anise cookies, I can barely recall what else was on the menu. I think of the many gifts that we had to trample over on Christmas morning, yet I cannot remember even one gift that stands out in my mind after all of these years.
However, the one thing that I can vividly recall about both of those holidays was all of our extended family gathering to play card games and how much fun I had with my cousins after dinner. The memories that we created literally lasted a lifetime. As an adult now, cultivating my own family, I realize the importance of creating family traditions—ones that can be recreated each year no matter where the holidays take us.
I learned a very important lesson this past Thanksgiving, and that is to not make the same mistake of focusing on the bells and whistles (or decorations and dinners) but rather to focus on the areas that matter and that will have sustenance for years to come. With Christmas right around the corner, we have a wonderful opportunity to implement practical and sustainable habits to help us have a more fulfilling, less stressful, family-focused holiday that will create lasting memories for us all.
The question is: how exactly do we do that effectively?
In theory, Christmas festivities are focused on family, mostly because the holiday often comes with vacation time off work. We customarily exchange gifts, and share traditional stories with our children—stories like Santa Clause or the birth of Christ. However, if we peel back the layers of “tradition,” we may find that a whole lot of our holiday habits actually stem from a severe case of people-pleasing. While pleasing people may not seem like a horrible concept during the holiday season, the effects of this deeply rooted action can backfire immensely and leave us depleted, our families frustrated, and room for plenty of resentment.
We often confuse people-pleasing with kindness, selflessness, humility, and the act of servitude, but there is a very distinct difference yielding very different results. People-pleasing involves putting someone else’s needs ahead of our own, and most people who want to please others are very aware of the needs of others. These gratifiers are often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind. Being people who want to satisfy others, we may often have trouble advocating for ourselves, which can lead to a destructive pattern of self-neglect and self-sacrifice. However, when we overcommit to make outsiders happy, we may not realize that we are not the only ones being sacrificed or neglected. Just because we decided to take on a task or agreed to commit to something does not mean that those around us are obligated to help us accomplish it—especially if we failed to communicate with them before making the commitment.
I was the one who committed to a large Thanksgiving gathering that left us entertaining 13 people and taking on the responsibility of 85% of the menu and all of the décor. But when I realized how thin I was stretched at the last minute, Jeff was nominated to save me and to run around the world doing last-minute errands to make my fanatic vision come true. At the end of the evening, he realized that he missed the Cowboys’ game, rushed through his meal, and spent another two hours cleaning up. My poor hubby (who never complains) said humbly, “I don’t even feel like I had a Thanksgiving at all this year.” That made two of us. As people appeasers, we often tend to volunteer our services or oblige a project, task, or request prior to consulting with family. We don’t count the cost of the time, effort, money, or proper planning required to fulfill that obligation. Then, when it becomes overwhelming or stressful and we see our spouse or our children enjoying some personal time of their own (while we are running rampant), we may feel frustration or anger. We may be tempted to impose on their peaceful moments to solicit their assistance, as if it is their obligation to help us satisfy a responsibility that they never agreed to take on in the first place.
When we make a decision to give our time, energy, or money to help satisfy others, we are subtracting that time, energy, and money from our own family. It is not only ourselves who suffer, deplete, and break down when we are stretched thin; often the greatest loss is experienced by those who are closest to us—those whom we love the most.
As people-pleasers, we tend to be good at tuning in to what others are feeling, and we are also commonly attentive, thoughtful, and caring towards others. CAUTION: these positive qualities may also be accompanied by a poor self-image, resentment, the impulsive need to take control, and the tendency to extravagantly overachieve. While others may describe us as generous people, givers, and sacrificial friends, being this type of person can be very laborious in keeping others happy and can often leave us feeling drained and stressed. People might appreciate our giving nature, but they may also take for granted our kindness and attentiveness without realizing it. All they know is that we are always willing to lend a hand and that, no matter what, we will find a way to “figure it out.” Hence, they continue to depend on and lean on us, having no doubt that we will show up whenever we are needed and resolve whatever issue they are facing. What they may not see is how thin we are stretched, how overcommitted we might be, and how much we may actually be the one in the position of need.
Even though it would be lovely for them to notice these things, the truth is that it’s not their job to notice them! It is our job to discipline and restrict ourselves from taking on more than we can or should handle. The effects of people-pleasing can be truly detrimental. One of the results of trying so hard to achieve satisfaction from so many different people can be that, while we might actually enjoy helping others, it ends up breeding frustration and even anger when we reluctantly do things out of obligations or “traditions.” These feelings can lead to a cycle of assisting people, feeling mad at them for taking advantage of us or not appreciating us in the way we had imagined, and then we feel regretful, bitter or sorry for ourselves later. This looped sequence of events is unfair to those around us, and it can cause unwarranted hostility and resentment based on unmet expectations, assumptions, and lack of communication. We can avoid these casualties during this holiday season by keeping a few things in mind:
- Clearly communicate your desires, intentions, and expectations prior to executing any actions. This season, I took time to meditate on what I felt mattered most to me personally, what would make me feel that “holiday spirit,” what I wanted the end result to be, and how I could implement a plan to achieve those desires. Since we are working toward building a stronger connection among our newly blended family, I determined that I most wanted to experience quality family time and a peaceful atmosphere with all of the holiday “feels.”
After I was able to process those things on my own, I was able to clearly communicate my thoughts, desires, and expectations to Jeff. I then allowed him to do the same with me so that we were both on the same page. Together, we executed a plan on how to achieve what we both agreeably desired. Being that we are in super sunny, 90-degree southern California in the middle of December with no hope of a single snow flurry, we had to improvise. We pumped the air conditioner to bring a synthetic chill to the house, lit our embellished fireplace, and created a cozy, winter-like atmosphere (and an inflated electricity bill—but ignore that for now). We styled our Christmas tree rather than traditionally decorating it, which brought an added flare to our festive environment, and we strategically placed balsam fragranced candles, which allowed for an undeniably satisfying atmosphere. We planned a schedule for the kids that included a family movie night, game night, Bible studies, and planned meals that we cook together. While they are on Christmas break, it is important to us to provide opportunities that will help attain our desired results of connecting better as a family. We decided to spend more time and money planning quality time activities as a family rather than shopping for and wrapping Christmas gifts. Setting that simple plan in motion has already helped us establish a peaceful environment that has set the tone for enjoyable family time together.
- Save energy for yourself. Because people-pleasing can cause an extreme amount of energy depletion, it is very likely that giving so much of ourselves away to help make others happy risks our own ability to have the motivation and energy to tackle our own goals. When we lavish all of our energy and mental resources on ensuring that others are accomplishing what they need, we position ourselves to be less likely to have the tenacity and willpower to achieve our own ambitions. Willpower and self-control are both limited resources that should be used wisely. If we are using our mental resources to give others what they need, then we often have little left to allocate to our own needs.
- Acknowledge that your voice matters, too. When we try to accommodate others, we commonly hide our own preferences and desires in order to allow them to express and experience theirs. This habit breeds a lack of sincerity and authenticity within our hearts that can affect us to the point where we may not even be aware of who we are or what we want. We essentially lose ourselves and our own uniqueness. When we hide our true feelings, it’s difficult for others to get to know the real us. On the flip side, it also prevents us from experiencing an authentic connection with those around us. We must process through our emotions internally and search to understand what we truly want and need. We must also seek to understand the cause and effect of each action we commit, each decision we make, and each reason behind both. Only then will we be able to effectively communicate that information to others around us and establish a clear opportunity for others to help us yield the results that we truly desire.
Bringing joy and happiness to others can be incredibly rewarding only when it is accomplished within boundaries that do not cause us to risk or sacrifice our own selves and those we love to the point of an unhealthy depletion.
