A power struggle typically ensues when a parent and their child are both determined to get what they want with neither of them backing down. An example of this that occurs almost daily in my own home is when my preschooler demands a snack as I am making dinner. I explain that dinner is almost ready and I do not want him to eat something unhealthy, like chips, because it will spoil his appetite for dinner. He then screams that he doesn’t want what I am making for dinner because he only wants chips. I refuse to give him a bag of chips and the power struggle begins. So what do we do when faced with a never ending barrage of power struggles? The good news is the answer works regardless of our child’s age. We can use a method with our youngest toddlers and our feisty teenagers.
The method is called: Empathetic Limit-Setting.
Empathetic limit-setting is when the adult understands and tends to the needs of the child, while at the same time, clearly defining the necessary boundaries. The transition from power struggle to empathic limit-setting happens when the problematic incident is reframed and emotional awareness of the adult’s own inner turmoil in response to the situation is acknowledged. In this example you have the child asserting their specific desire and the mom diving directly into the power struggle by asserting her rules. The mother chose to double down on her role as an authority and the child is left in distress. There is no room for empathy, explanations, or connection when you are engaging in a power struggle. Both parties are left upset, frustrated, and unhappy.
Here, the father recognizes his child’s feelings and is ready to listen. He set a clear limit, while validating the child’s emotions. The dad also offers an alternative without entering a power struggle. By using empathy to connect with their child, the relationship between parent and child comes first. If the child becomes more upset and continues to cry (which is common and may happen), the parent should describe what they are seeing or hearing. You’re still angry that you cannot have chips. Set the firm limit again. You can be angry that you cannot have chips, but we do not eat snacks before dinner. And focus on the connection. Do you want me to sit with you until you decide if you want to help me set the table? The key steps in empathetic limit-setting is to describe what you see and hear, set a clear limit, offer another option, empathize, and focus on connecting with your child.
Do not fear your child’s reactions when you set a clear limit. It is healthy for children to express their emotions – even if it’s anger, sadness, or frustration. Keep your reactions short and sweet – long lectures and trying to rationalize with children in a power struggle is a losing battle. Finally, stay calm. Your only job as a parent during a power struggle is to stay calm and model level-headed reactions. As an adult with a fully formed brain, you are capable of managing your emotions, and it is your job to help your child learn to manage theirs. If you struggle with managing your emotions, it is okay to seek outside support to help you develop strategies to keep your cool when emotions run high.
