What exactly is fighting fair? It’s different from everyone’s perspective. We all have specific guidelines we follow in order to determine what is fair and what is not. Individually, the steps in our guidelines could be different, but the principles are all around the same. How do you fight fair with your children? Typically, the rules for a family disagreement are enforced from the parents point-of-view, but have parents ever genuinely taken into consideration the opinions of the children and what they’re feeling or thinking? I never really noticed how healthy the relationship is that my mother and I have until I looked at my friends’ relationship with their mothers. Most of their parents go by their experiences and use their age and position against the child for reasons to excuse their wrongs, while my friends try to defend themselves.
My friends love their parents, but when they’re arguing with them, my friends don’t seem to feel that love for them as much. Especially when the parents do things that aren’t respectable, like coming home drunk or high, bringing a bunch of men or women around the house, being hypocritical and having double standards, or being physically or verbally abusive. If, like me, you grew up in a Christian home, then you may have heard your parents overuse passages from Ephesians 6, which commands that “children obey their parents in the Lord, for this is right.” However, most parents stop there and skip the next line, which is just as important since it warns parents not to provoke their children to anger. This means that both sides require a certain level of respect. I respect my parents because I think they are admirable, but what if the child doesn’t see their parents as respectable? What if any of us, as children, feel that our parents are acting abusively, or disrespectful?
According to the Bible, we are still obligated to honor them, even if they seem not to be respectable in our opinion. After reading this, I realize that this simply means that it is important to respect our parent’s position, even if we do not respect the person. They have been put in the position of our parents by God, and that position is what we should honor with respect to the best of our ability. My mother told me several times about the biblical story of David and Saul in 1 Samuel 26. Saul was jealous of David and even tried to kill him. David had the chance to kill Saul, but he chose not to. If he had killed him, he could have stopped running and finally live in peace. Instead, he firmly decided that he will not kill Saul, “…for who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD’S anointed, and be guiltless?” David understood that even though Saul was a terrible king and not a very good man, God still placed Saul in the position of king, and David respected that God-appointed position. In my home, we often disagree, but we never have extremely disrespectful arguments.
Thankfully, my parents give me the opportunity to share my thoughts and opinions with them. I understand that might not be easy for some kids especially without prior experience with healthy communication. One method that I find really helpful is writing my parents a text message about my feelings and solutions in a polite way for my parents to receive it without feeling attacked, which also gives them time to think and process what I said while I get to express my feelings entirely without getting cut off/interrupted. Finding ways to communicate clearly and respectfully between parents and children is important because it can affect the outcome of your relationship in the future.