Since I was young, I have heard phrases, songs, and scriptures flung around emphasizing the importance of respecting men. Ephesians 5:33 in the Bible instructs that the man should love his wife and to “let the wife see that she respects her husband.” That verse was constantly implanted in my brain, right along with the consistent recounting of the admirable qualities found in the Proverbs 31 depiction of a virtuous woman. I’ve sat in several church services, Bible studies, and conversational dialogues where the focus was adamantly on the responsibilities of the woman conducting herself respectfully in a way that honors her husband, but it was not until I actually got married at age 21 that I was faced with daily decisions that would require me to show my abilities to respect my husband. It wasn’t until 20 years after being with my first husband that I realized how important it was for the husband to be respectable in order for the wife to authentically respect him; it wasn’t until my divorce that I realized how blatantly I had failed at properly respecting my husband. It wasn’t until I remarried that I realized how little I actually knew and was taught about how to respect a man, and it wasn’t until living with my current husband that I realized how easy it is and how natural it comes to respect a man who is not only respectable, but also highly respected by others, and understands his biblical mandate as a man to effectively love his wife. Proverbs 31:23 discloses that the virtuous woman has a husband who is well known, respected, and sits amongst other esteemed men in the community. But what it does not say is whether or not she married him when he was already well known and respected or if she helped him grow and become a respectable man while in the marriage. I lived through many years of playing the blame game, giving myself excuses for why I did not conduct myself in a way that respected the men in my life and justifying why I thought my disrespectful actions reflected the behavior of the men. However, the truth is that when I choose a husband, it is my job, as a wife, to uphold my responsibilities to do whatever actions I do with my whole heart, as if I am working for the lord and not for any man, just as Colossians 3:23 in the Bible encourages. This is why it is also important to teach our children to choose their spouses wisely, because regardless of who is chosen, their job responsibilities will be the same; to love their wives and respect their husbands, even if they feel that their wives are unlovable at times or that their husbands are unworthy of respect.
I cannot and will not fault or accuse my former husband of lacking, what I considered, respectable qualities under any circumstances because, as a kid, I never saw or heard any respectable man train or teach other young men how to be respectable in order to authentically hold a position of earned respect. There were no scriptures that stand out in my mind, like proverbs 31, that addressed men being virtuous or reputable. While there is no valid excuse for any man to lack respectable qualities, it is vital that we train our young men to be just as respectable as we tend to teach our young women to learn to respect. In the same way that there is emphasis on the Virtuous Woman to be trustworthy (vs. 10) wake up early to prepare her home for the day (vs. 15), and work as an entrepreneur (vs. 16-19), highlighting the responsibilities of a man to work and provide for his household (1 Tim 5:8 and 2 Thes 3:10), honor and work to understand his wife (1 peter 1;1-6), and treat his wife the way he would treat his own body (Ephesians 5:25) should also be rigorously taught.
If we intend to immortalize Proverbs 31 as the passage that identifies a virtuous woman, then it’s important that we also commemorate scriptures like 1 Timothy 3:2-4 that says that “an overseer/leader must be above reproach, the faithful husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent, gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money, and a man who can manage his own household well, properly controlling and discipline his children with dignity.” So many men demand respect, desire to lead, and want to be esteemed, but “if someone does not know how to manage his own household properly first, then how can he care for members of God’s church” (1 Tim 3:5) or any other group of people that he desires to lead.
Understanding the role as a wife to respect and submit to her husband is vital, but choosing a respectable man who already displays suitable actions and characteristics is just as imperative. So, what is a wife to do if you discover that the husband you chose might portray qualities that are not as “above reproach” as would be desirable? Start with a fortified, faith-filled prayer asking God to intervene in your marriage and direct on how to pray for your husband. Fix your attention on scriptures that will help you stay focused on your job as a wife, to “win him over without a word” but instead with your behavior (1 Pet 3:1) –remembering to intentionally focus on “whatever things are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, and praiseworthy” (Phil 4:8) about your husband. As the wife visibly and verbally respects her husband in words and deeds, the intention is that he will step into that position as a respectable man, and his behavior will become respectable. Others around her will also watch her attitude and the respect that she has for him; they will take note of how honorable and respectable she is as a wife and woman of God, just as Abigail did for her less than honorable husband, Nabal in 1 Samuel 25. Even though her husband was not worthy of respect, and although she did it with frustration, Abigail still tried to honor her husband and cover his mistakes. Even if a husband may not seem to be worthy of respect now, by continuing to do respectable things to cover him and to encourage him to be better. Through prayer, God may change the husband’s ways, or give him over to his own foolishness, as he did with Nabal. Either way, the wife would have played her role as the virtuous wife that God has called her to be, and either way, all things will work together for the good as you continue to love and trust God (Romans 8:28).