Over the years, I have found myself struggling with what extent was healthy for me to gratify others around me. I frequently wrestled with the question of what a people-pleaser actually was and if I was one of them? The term “people-pleaser” usually has a negative connotation and is often used to describe a person’s downfall. However, after researching the topic, it was interesting to discover that there are good pleasers and bad pleasers. I was intrigued by my discoveries and wanted to understand how having the innate desire to please others has affected me personally and where it started. I realized that if I could understand it for myself, then I could share that same knowledge to help others do the same. I discovered that, like many current habits we hold as adults, our past experience is a huge contributing factor in the drive to appease others. Wanting to add to other people’s happiness is a wonderful characteristic, and believe it or not, there is a really good side that comes from it –but was I a good pleaser?
The Good Side of Pleasing
Good pleasers are happy, kind, and enjoy putting smiles on other people’s faces. They are helpful and caring individuals who are willing to go out of their way to serve others. They value their relationships and making others happy.
Peace and harmony are essentials in all of their relationships, and they frequently put others ahead of themselves: being known to be the people to “take one for the team.” I could definitely say that I had several of those traits. I concluded that I was, for sure, a good pleaser, but I was also determined to find out where my journey to please people began. My research forced me to review my childhood. From early childhood, we start to exhibit people-pleasing behaviors. Most appeasers start off as adult or parent-pleasers, because as children, we tend to modify our behaviors to maintain relationships and keep connections with adults. A major factor in the cause of people-pleasing in kids, and later adults, is the desire to receive approval from the authorities in their lives. I can remember the absolute joy that I felt when I knew my Mom was happy because of something I did for her. Even now, I am overwhelmed thinking about the strong emotional attachment that I still have to the validation I received from my grandparents.
Reflecting back, I can see how I was groomed, and even trained, to be a good pleaser. The pressure to please is different for men. As a matter of fact, not just me, but most young boys are trained to become good pleasers from the authorities and influences around them. From the time I can remember, I was in training to become a good man. I was taught how to respect my Mom and the women in my family. My Mom did an amazing job as a single parent raising me to be respectful and considerate. Those lessons have served me well throughout my entire life. I learned early that respecting the women in my house was not only a requirement, but was also important to my success. I was taught the essentials, such as opening doors for women, offering my seat to a female or a senior citizen, helping out, and being willing to lend a hand wherever a woman was in need.
As I grew older, I started to perform these same duties outside of my house and even with perfect strangers. I began opening doors for women I did not know; I started giving up my seat to any elderly person I saw. I even remember reluctantly giving girls my last piece of candy because I thought it would be rude if I didn’t. As I got older, the stakes got higher. Fast forward several years to when I was old enough to start making money. My grandfather taught me that “wherever a man spends his money, that’s where his heart is” and that “it’s a man’s responsibility to take care of the women in his life, no matter the cost”. Although I attentively listened to his wise teachings, I wouldn’t realize until years later that those words were seeds planted and that they would grow into me becoming programmed to spend untold amounts of money on the women in my life. I would not let my grandfather down, thus began a life-long journey to do my best to take care of the women in my life. I can clearly see how I received validation from women by being a good man –a good pleaser. This led me to realize how starting off as a good pleaser could easily turn into becoming a bad pleaser.
The Bad Side of Pleasing
There are so many negative consequences of pacifying people, and the impact that it can have on a person cannot fully be measured.
One negative side-effect of people-pleasing is when it becomes expected of you to do so. It may have started off being a good thing. You were helping people, and the appreciation you received motivated you to do more for others. However, this starts the cycle of always lending a hand, and eventually, the appreciation often fades. Before you know it, you feel obligated and what used to be a joy has now become a chore. Resentment starts to set in, and you feel used and unappreciated. Frustration and bitterness become your daily companions. You start to spiral under the burden of constantly being a pleaser…but there is hope!
How to stop people-pleasing
Don’t let the bad side of people-pleasing keep you from your own happiness. We can reverse the negative effects of people-pleasing.
Here are a few simple tips that can help:
1. Start with positively affirming yourself.
Knowing and understanding your worth will help you value yourself and help you confidently teach others to value you as well. Consider creating a one sentence mantra that positively affirms something about you. A mantra is just a simple statement you can repeat frequently. Ex: I am Bold, I am Confident, I am Worthy, (repeat until you believe it).
2. Start to set boundaries.
Set a time to make sure to rest. Ex: Make Sunday a day to connect back to your Source and a day of rest.
3. Practice waiting until your asked for help.
Ex: For one day make it a point to not volunteer to help, don’t immediately jump in. Wait until someone asks for your help. Then assess the request and see if it’s something you want to do. Rinse & repeat.
People-pleasing has its good and bad sides, but ultimately you have to take control of your own decisions and manage your own time. Decide to make the choices that lead you to feeling good about yourself and that ultimately lead you to becoming a better person who is a healthy, good pleaser.
